“Hey, Deeno. Busy?” Dixon approached the man on the fitness machine. The ships engineer eyed the bulkier man glistening lightly, though it wasn’t sweat highlighting his muscular shape. His skin was just incredible, a little darker than his own but somehow luminous and radiant. Dixon had been able to work on his physique lately with some pointers from the weapons specialist. Now he wanted the man's opinion on a much more personal matter. 

“Not terribly.” Deeno glanced at the younger man. 

Dixon mounted a resistance cycle and began pedalling. He didn't say anything more for a few minutes while he gathered his thoughts. Deeno finished up with his machine and he began his cool down routine. He knew Dixon well enough after these last few years to know that he was more comfortable with machines than other humans. 

“Can I talk to you about something?” Dixon spoke up. 

“Something or someone?” Deeno probed, going on a hunch.

“The captain.” The younger man offered. 

“Ah, I see. Go ahead. You've known him almost as long as I have. In fact you may know him more than I.”

“Hmm, yeah.” Dixon’s brow furrowed before continuing. “When Jev turned to Lo, how did you deal with it?”

The question caught Deeno of guard. He didn't expect this angle from Dixon. However, it made sense all things considered. He recalled how it felt to have the doctor turn his full attention to someone else—regardless of the reasons. 

“To be honest, it wasn’t easy to see it unfold before my eyes.”

Silence returned for a while. Dixon stopped pedalling and wiped a trickle of sweat from his brow. He watched Deeno and marvelled how a man who was such a vision of strength and endurance and power was up front about his feelings when he seemed so guarded about everything. Dixon understood that many people were like that but for the life of him he couldn't find that within himself. He took a deep breath. 

“When I first met Boreas, I was young. I was ignorant and naive to think I knew something of the universe. He taught me so much in the beginning. I thought maybe my greatest lesson learned from him was that he will always distract himself with others. But in the last few cycles I realized I was wrong. There hasn't been anyone else lately and still he shows no interest in me.”

“Stop right there.” Deeno saw the emotion stirring within the man and recognized the pain. “You need to understand two things. You did nothing wrong. And he's not doing this to intentionally hurt you.”

Dixon gazed into Deeno's eyes with questions written all over his face. Deeno felt awkward talking about this, essentially rehashing feelings from his past. That past was Dixon's present and the least he could do was help when asked for it. 

“Look, I personally think the captain is one of the greatest men I know. I can say that most of the crew fit alongside him in that category—including you! When Jev became distant, I thought I had done something wrong. It took a long time to reconcile that because when I realized that he was interested in Lo and was focused on pursuing him I was convinced he was doing it because of me.”

Dixon was listening intently and by his face he was in the frame of mind Deeno was describing. “But...” He faced the other man squarely. 

“I watched him. I saw him interact with Lo. I saw how the both of them interacted with others. Nothing had changed. Not really. Nothing except me that is. It was incredibly hard to accept, yet I knew deep down that if I hoped to stay on this ship and live my life with these men, I absolutely had to give up that selfish part of myself that laid claim on Jev Meridian. I had no right to do it. And by holding onto it, I was damaging myself. And the only way I could hope to affect Jev was by removing myself from his life. I didn't want to hurt him like that.”

“So you forgave him?”

“No I forgave myself.”

“Wow.”

“Tell me about it. The person I was before could not understand the person I am now. But he changed. So, I had to change."

“Thanks Deeno.”

Deeno nodded and smiled. Dixon seemed lighter and less brooding though he definitely had some things to think about and consider. 

“Look, I'm sure you need to reflect on stuff now. If you need anything let me know. I'm more than willing to help you. We all have issues right?”

“Yeah. But what issues do you need help with? You have everything under control!”

“Well, that’s something I’m not aiming to live up to. If it looks like that, it could be for other reasons.” Deeno clapped a firm hand on the other’s shoulder reassuringly. Dixon nodded his thanks in return.

The larger man then grabbed a small towel and wiped his face and neck on his way out and walked out leaving Dixon standing there with his thoughts.

THUD-D-D

He nearly toppled over when the ship shuddered violently and lurched. 

“Dixon! You alright?”

“Yeah—what the hell was that?”